loneliness

The silence in my heart,
The joy in my ears
The loneliness so bleak
All my limbs want to weep

I lay all day and watch all night
listening to the clock tick
unforgivingly through each week.

My faith in self is shattered
and faith in friends is lost
to turn to i have nothing
but my base desires and wants
I do not despair nor do i cry
but that which i keep
is much worse inside

Bare hatred tis thee
that balances my all
my love and lust are nought
and tis thee i seek for warmth
I look around me each day
at smiling faces all round
and with each second it gets harder
to fight my demons and smile again.

I hate, I sleep, I watch
and fear that each second
takes away a new notch.

My Birthday

Today I woke up, as happy as can be
full of hope,joy and dripping with glee


the day went by nicely and slow,
each second bringing to me a whole new glow.

All this i enjoyed till i looked in the mirror, and was struck by the beast i saw beyond the glass.

an ugly black being, with fat thighs and a spotted face
a wretched shell not worthy of the human race.

I hate myself, and everything about me.
From the tip of my head, to the toes i can see.


I'm fat, lazy and have nothing to offer
with delusions of grandeur, and an eating disorder.

The thougth of suicide seems so comforting,
It beckons to me like a silver lining.


but like the coward i will am , i never see it through,
 choosing to believe that everyday life will get better when the only thing each day brings is more crying.

I do sympathize with my mother, knowing she would really be hurt at the time of my death,
so all i do is dream of it, the day i will choose to utter my last breath.

Damn the Gods for making me the way I am,
for the thoughts I indulge and impulses that are banned

for because of them each day is horrible, sad and hazy.
but at least i can find refuge in my poems, the eternal refuge of the meek and lonely.

Awkward situations

Ok I know I haven't been putting that much effort ( or hardly any at all ) into this blog but that's because my original plan for it was for it to be an outlet for my creativity. However I have been too lazy to write stories or poems lately so I'm turning it into a place where I talk about most of the things I come across in my life and by far one of the most frequent things i experience is awkward situations.

Whether its along a long hallway when you have to walk by some random person you dont really know, or if its at lunch when you find yourself sitting alone, these are one of the worst times of your life (obviously not but they still suck pretty hard).

As a loner, I get into a lot of awkward situations on the daily basis and though i know not many people might see this. If you do please leave a comment telling me what kind of awkward situations you encounter in your life.

Gossip

It is so hard to concentrate on anything around me when people talk. For some weird reason I always find myself fully concentrating on what they say. Even while typing this I was only able to devote like 30% of my attention to it.

Gossip is a horrible thing,

unfortunately its also one of the sweetest things in the world.

Hate

I always find myself consumed with hate,
whether it's directed outward, inward or at nothing at all.
It burns so fiercely that I find myself short of breath,
and it gradually builds up, slowly steering me to madness,

At all times there is always someone I hate
I don't know why but it seems like fate,
I've loved, I've grieved, I've feared and I've trusted
but no other emotion plagues me as much as hatred.
And even though seeing others consumed by it can fill one up with glee,
I always secretly fear for those who trigger it in me.

Hypocrisy

To act out of character,
      to act in order to please.
To preach about good nature,
      and do wrong while no one sees.

I lies within us all,
      softly beckoning us to fall.
Whether out of pride, secrecy,
      or just for the rush.
That inner demon will awaken,
      without much of a fuss.
And though some try to fight,
      seeing it as their duty to at least try.
We all eventually give in,
      sometimes with just a little white lie.

Friends

The story of friendship is a common tale told in many different ways but lately I've run in a bit of controversy in my own life. I heard a quote once that talked about people embracing the differences in each other and not trying to make everyone conform to their own ways of life. I considered myself a firm believer in this until recently.
       Sometimes no matter how much you try and delude yourself by thinking that you can embrace anyone despite your differences in age, style and senses of humor its just not possible. As politically incorrect as it might seem, the only people you can truly enjoy and cherish in your life are those who you share many similarities with. Someone who can complete your sentences and laugh when you do and not people with whom you constantly battle with concerning what to do and who constantly annoy you with their views on certain subjects.

        Of course all this is just my personal opinion, but its something I've come to believe in after a series of recurring events............I guess i'll still have to leave the idea open and look more into it though.