loneliness

The silence in my heart,
The joy in my ears
The loneliness so bleak
All my limbs want to weep

I lay all day and watch all night
listening to the clock tick
unforgivingly through each week.

My faith in self is shattered
and faith in friends is lost
to turn to i have nothing
but my base desires and wants
I do not despair nor do i cry
but that which i keep
is much worse inside

Bare hatred tis thee
that balances my all
my love and lust are nought
and tis thee i seek for warmth
I look around me each day
at smiling faces all round
and with each second it gets harder
to fight my demons and smile again.

I hate, I sleep, I watch
and fear that each second
takes away a new notch.

My Birthday

Today I woke up, as happy as can be
full of hope,joy and dripping with glee


the day went by nicely and slow,
each second bringing to me a whole new glow.

All this i enjoyed till i looked in the mirror, and was struck by the beast i saw beyond the glass.

an ugly black being, with fat thighs and a spotted face
a wretched shell not worthy of the human race.

I hate myself, and everything about me.
From the tip of my head, to the toes i can see.


I'm fat, lazy and have nothing to offer
with delusions of grandeur, and an eating disorder.

The thougth of suicide seems so comforting,
It beckons to me like a silver lining.


but like the coward i will am , i never see it through,
 choosing to believe that everyday life will get better when the only thing each day brings is more crying.

I do sympathize with my mother, knowing she would really be hurt at the time of my death,
so all i do is dream of it, the day i will choose to utter my last breath.

Damn the Gods for making me the way I am,
for the thoughts I indulge and impulses that are banned

for because of them each day is horrible, sad and hazy.
but at least i can find refuge in my poems, the eternal refuge of the meek and lonely.